I Just Want To Scream

I really do.  Inevitably, the blame rests with me, regardless.  No job, no sweepstaking, medication mismanagement, you name it.

Perhaps it takes a stronger person than me.  I guess I could change that to striking out the "perhaps".  Shelly deals with a lot of the same stuff, but she gets  at least some sweeps done regardless.  Of course, one thing she does not deal with is the extreme guilt factor, which continually makes me feel disgusted with myself and I can't ever draw the line in the proverbial sand like I want to and "cross over" and move forward.  It's something I should have done when I had the chance almost 5 years ago with DOND $$.  Well, it didn't take too long to fuck off that money and then not only did I not have the "safe haven" to move forward from, I had to start dealing with the fact that we (I) perhaps had a "once in a lifetime shot" to turn my life around by not having to deal with issues that were plaguing me on a daily basis and move forward, but I did not.

Really Depressing

From the just-when-you-thought-things-couldn't-possibly-get-worse-file:

Today has been a real red-letter day for me.  I found out that Shelly was in fact NOT in the lead for the latest "Nick" contest.  In fact, she never has been and it's probably impossible for her to win. Sonofabitch.  How I came up with her "winning" a couple of weeks ago is beyond me.  I guess I heard what I wanted to hear.  That $$ was important to us "getting ahead" next month.  Also, while trying to fix the Netbook with the replacement ac/adapter thingy that finally came in, I broke the thing that the keyboard plugs into.  Let's see - in less than 24 hours that's 925.00 down the drain.  Fuck me.

Not Necessarily A Rant...

...or at least, it's not starting out that way in my mind...but I will post it on the rant blog anyway.

Obviously, I'm sickened by the fact that we were (are) about +700 over "known" bills.  Notice that doesn't say "normal" or whatever bills.  With some careful planning, we quite possibly could have avoided overdraft/nsf fees etc and paid off AA and HOA.  But, we didn't.

It's hard to say what "might have been".  I've sat here for the past few months (at least during this present "crisis") and longed for a time where I wasn't overwhelmingly crushed by trying to figure out every day how in the hell we were going to survive the next 1-1.5 weeks until payday.  I've said many times that not having financial oblivion staring you me in the face every day has never guaranteed that I would be productive in any way, shape, form or fashion.  However, I just wish I could have have the time to move forward without all this and try to spend time with Todd doing something fun and getting him off computer games and into learning.  Who knows...

I Just Thought I Was Sick To My Stomach...

...the past 24 hours (actually, probably about 22 or so)...first of all, Shelly spent the 50 buck at Winstar.  She's "entitled".  Well, that can make for a very long discussion without solving anything.  Yes, she is.  She's the breadwinner, the sweepstaker won big prizes blah blah blah and now she started a second job.  There's no doubt- but to what extent, and when?  Off the top of my head, I know of at least 275.00.  And she wanted to keep the rest of her 200.00 and I have no clue what she spend 50.00 on yesterday.  Me getting pissed about her spending and then wanting to "keep" the rest of the 200.00 ....that's a battle I never wanted to start.  I've been sick not only about dealing with her but with how in the FUCK did we spend so much goddarn money in the first place/AA gone - IRS - Billfloat - Trying to make it through the month - I'm just sitting here staring at the damn monitor.

I Can Say This

with all certainty...I am sick to fucking death of everything regarding our financial situation. 

I guess I deserve everything I get since I have single-handedly never taken the steps necessary to budget our money.  Obviously I am the one not working and I am the one who has the stupid fucking brain and mind that allowed me to stay unemployed in the first place.  Of course I deserve it, because I suck, I've made stupidass decisions my entire life, blown money every chance I've gotten and am a just totally suck as a human being overall, much less as a husband and father.  I wish I would just fucking die.

Absolutely Sick To My Stomach

Well, at various times over the past few weeks, when making my "guesstimates" for our finances, I've pretty much included paying AA so they don't close the account (and do bad things to our credit/etc).  Not to mention the HOA dues.  I think various scenarios had us as "good" as -225.00 or something like that.  Well, today's the big day.  Lost another 30.00 bucks because I couldn't get check information soon enough from Shelly to make the Express deposit.  I missed the info by about an hour because I fell asleep - who knows when the check tried to go through.  That's a total of probably 55.00 bucks if the Electric Company charges a fee as well.  Don't know if they do if it goes through the second time.    I don't know - but I guess worse things have happened.  I don't like it.  We've had that account for 15 years I think.

I know it still makes me sick to my stomach.  I hate not being able to open email because I'm afraid of what's going to be said - or even opening mail for that matter.  And I don't have answers - at least good ones.  I pray that God lets opens my eyes to any opportunities and that I make the most of them.

I Must Say...

I guess I've had better days.  Worse days I've had, I'm sure. 

What I do know is this:  I pretty disappointed in today, not to mention this week.  I've almost been sick to my stomach all day today, thinking of being broke again right after payday.  However, I don't think it's as bad as I've felt today.

• I still have to ask Mom to pay 250.00 on the FIOS bill in return for the 250.00 gift card we're getting/or probably just writing her a 250.00 postdated check that will take the place of the gift card.
• We need to get on the stick about getting paintings done/some way getting the guitar sold (also Wii/Basketball/ring (possibly).  Nobody's buying shit on Craigslist right now.
• Thought of this before:  Trying to get Joe and Charles to list the guitar on Ebay (for a 10 percent cut).  I just wonder if it would really do well there anyway, without a COA.
• I need to get my book written.  If it doesn't sell/sell well, just make sure you did a good job.
• I HAVE to find a way to be relevant.  I can't live like this anymore.

Good & Bad

Well, there's been good news and bad news...and some news that...I don't know what.  Shelly finally listed the guitar on the sweeps board.  Who knows, perhaps nothing will come of it.  You'd think someone would at least want to trade something worthwhile.  Other than a fleeting email again from some lady today who refuses to respond (another Craigslist phantom?)...that really got my hopes up, there has been virtually zero interest in anything lately.  Except the broken Elliptical, unfortunately.

Some bad - not sure when - overnight or whatever - saw that the water people are indeed not going to let us "wait til next month" to get caught up.  So there's another 121.00 that had to be put in the expenses column.  Although I've pretty well taken out HOA until August.  AA has an outside chance...but we've got to get some stuff sold.  I'm going to have to talk to her seriously about the ring...but who knows what, if any, the interest will be in that thing? 

Shelly's got a new part-time job, teaching some painting class by the trainer's gym.  That's cool - it could be another 100.00 this week - but can I really expect to have Shelly willingly put it all "towards the cause"???  There are limits.  I've had this crap running around in my head nonstop the past few days.  Hell, more than that I think.  I don't know where the confusion sets in - for one thing, I've "lowballed" just about everything that's not an exact monthly bill.  And I should know better on gas/cigs/food.  After all, the figures I usually post are already lowballed.

Another Day, Another Rant

A rant with a twist, I guess...in amongst all the bad news, Shelly informed me today that she's the leader in the new incentive contest (750.00) at work.  Now, as long as she keeps that up and they don't fuck her out of it again, that's great.

I know one thing.  It's always (at least it seems that way) been hard for me to get anything productive accomplished.  When we go through a "crisis" like we have the past few months, it just gets to me and leaves me with a sick feeling in my stomach.  A feeling made even worse by the knowledge that it just didn't have to be this way.  It makes me feel about as worthless as I've ever felt in my life.  What it really does is make me want to go somewhere and die.  Not kill myself - just go somewhere and whither away, I guess.  Disappear.  I really, really hope and pray that someone makes a good offer on the guitar in the next couple of days.  That would really help us a lot.

Well, Well, Well

That didn't take long.  After going to bed (finally) tonight, I decided to read that notice I got from VZ the other day.  Good thing - since it says payment must be received by 7/16 to avoid cutoff.  That means by fucking tomorrow.  On one hand, it possibly doesn't change things - but it really does.  It says I owe 436.00 or something.  The budget says 400.00.  The only big thing is timing.  Of course, I still have us down for -236.00 for the month.  And that's misleading, in at least 2 ways.  First, that's through the end of the month.  Even if we were dead even (which we're not) - we've got to go 2 weeks until her check on August 3rd.  This sucks ballz.