I MIght Not Know Much...

...but I'm smart enough to know that this is enough of bullshit like this.  I mean, really, what else is there to say?  Overdrafts, NSF's, fees piling up like crazy.  I'm not even quite sure right now how it all got so bad, but it goes back to one thing - stupidty.  Extreme stupidity, as a matter of fact.  That's why I get a sick feeling in my stomach every time I think about going without making a house payment for 6 months (mostly while waiting on modification news).  Throw in all the big ticket things like a 500.00 Apple gift card we sold for cash, a 2100.00 loan off my life insurance policy, a 600.00 win @ WinStar, almost 3000.00 in sales of stuff on CL and Sweepsheet.  Not to mention Shelly's Texas U Can Paint job, from which she's probably earned at least 500.00 so far.  Not to mention several bills Mom has paid.  And through it all, we were never "ahead".  We can't even blame it on trips and/or gambling, as with years past.  And certainly not on big ticket purchases.

I, Dumbass

I don't know what you would call it - I call it "dumbass".

I really grow tired of these impossible financial sinkholes that we continually step in (or live in).  In fact, looking back - I don't know how we ever afforded some of the stuff we used to have we don't now.  This list, off the top of my head, is not very long - but since we are underwater every month anyway, I don't know how we ever afford it:

• Giganews Diamond with Unlimited downloads and Mimo (and one other thing) 30.00
• Onlive 10.00

It's just cruelly disgusting.  It's one thing to be on edge about how you're going to make it through the month.  It's another to wonder how in the hell you're going to make it through the next day or two or three, knowing full well that you aren't even close to having $$.  And it's not just now - it's every month.

It's Been A Rough Few Months...

...and, quite honestly - right now I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  While I was walking aimlessly around the house this evening (while everyone else was swimming), I thought to myself how distasteful it was to have to go this route (bounced checks/etc) and how I so wanted something to  "come together" or whatever this weekend so I could "magically" be able to deposit $$ in the account and make things right.  Believe me, I would love for it to happen.  However, for that to happen, we would probably need to sell ALL of our big ticket items (Cavenders/Guitar/Basketball) and ?  That's only 500.00 dollars or so.  I guess we'd need that and/or miracle win to come in as well.

That being said, I face the same problem now as I have for at least the past 3-4 months:  The crisis is not only acute, it's chronic.  Insanely enough, at one time 3 months ago we had the same problem AND the possibility that we were going to lose the house.   I've found it nearly impossible to get a grip on this and put it out of my mind, at least long enough to do something "productive".  Believe me, that really blowz.  Trying to find solutions to pay our bills/stay afloat and yet worrying about the next episode right around the corner.

Well, Let's See...

Hmmm...

Already deep in debt...check
Niece screws up her bank account, payment for Shelly's gym membership doesn't get paid, therefore calling even more attention to our financial problems...check
Shelly's boss can't afford to pay her whole paycheck today, otherwise this already could have been resolved...check
Have pretty good items to sell that could help us get through this financial crisis(Gift Card/Autographed Guitar/Autographed Baskeball/etc)...and nobody even bothers to ask about them...check
Think I am going insane...check

Disappointed, But Not Surprised...

I was just thinking about how strange it is...that ever since getting the medicine Tuesday afternoon 8/7/12 (evening, really, since it was about 6pm) I haven't done the ol' "stay up all night" routine since Wednesday night (going 2 bed sometime Thursday afternoon? bringing Joe's truck home from Arlington).  Obviously, this in some ways is something to be proud of, since the "staying up all night" syndrome is one of the things that has always gotten me in trouble with medication management.  Not to mention overall, just not a good health habit, and has just let to quite a bit of "zombie status" over the years where I'm awake/sitting on the computer/doing stuff but not really interested in doing anything productive/etc...you get the picture.  That doesn't mean I've gotten a lot of sleep, but it sure seems like I've gotten a lot more after  5 days on the medicine than before.

My one prayer, perhaps, is for the Lord to help and give me strength to deal with/move past the miscues that have led to our current financial situation and to help resolve them in a matter that will be beneficial to me/Shelly/Todd so that I can start moving forward with productive things that can help us as a family (financial and otherwise).   It's such a kick in the gut to sit here and see things going on that I can't stand, and yet not having the strength to do anything productive and move forward.

Time To Make A Stand

It's been one gut-wrenching episode after another.  40.00 "lost" from Shelly's paint job?  WTF happened?  Genares Nick Contest fail again after Nick does not meet peformance goals.  So, now we're at -555.00 projected "net" for the month.  Obviously, once again - these numbers are based on various "guesses and hopes" that also depend on us frugally managing our money, which never happens.  Oh, and btw - that's including the sale of the Cavenders gift card for 300.00, which seems about as possible to happen as to have someone actually by the guitar.  And we still can't pay the HOA dues.  Yeah, that sucks.  I'm in a daze, like I have been for the past 3 months.

Sickening/Maddening/Depressing

Well, it's not like I shouldn't have known.  Regardless of what I thought at one time or forgot that I once thought that I used to know... I know.  The "overdraft" payday loan.  That's about what we've been doing.  Of course, one way or another, we've been doing it for some time.  Be it "phantom" gift cards that we have to take a 15.00 hit per hundred just to get by, writing a hot check, knowing it will bounce but it will have to go through "the process" that will take "some time", or having autopay on, not having enough sense (or any other options) to stop it from going through a day or two before you have funds - taking at least a 25.00 hit, but hoping like hell it will go through the second time.  Or calling Mom.  Or Joe.  Or all of the above.

The sad thing is - it's not just the last month.  Or two, since we started making house payments again.  It's been like this the whole year, just steadily getting worse.  As the post title states so eloquently, it's Sickening, Maddening, & Depressing.  The feeling I have in the pit of my stomach right now is the same feeling I have had for a long time.  I can't take this.  Lord, help us...